I’m not saying I’m in love with you but I imagine us on still silent evenings, laying on the bed, laughing at a funny line from our favourite book. I imagine our shoulders making electrifying contacts, our toes curled into themselves, your gaze lying on my face as if they were green pastures.
I imagine you closing the book, pausing to tell me something that happened before we met. We change position, now you’re resting on the bed frame, still holding the book as I lay against your broad frame, whispering in a voice no one would believe belongs to you.
I’m not saying I’m in love with you but I think I enjoy being around you. I want us to be in the same environment, at intimate proximity, breathing in the same air, drinking from the same glass, dancing to our favorite songs. I want us to go hand in hand even when no one was looking, muttering nonsense at odd hours. I want to have you in my nose, in my eyes, in my head, I want the whole space to be filled with you. I want to tell you the random thoughts that skip my mind. I want to anticipate your responses and imagine your reactions even before you give them.
I’m not saying I’m in love with you but when love is discussed, I remember you. I remember watching you paint, watching you sleep, watching you run. I remember the lines on your palms and how they are finely drawn, how they suit your person. I remember the day you laughed so hard that tears flooded your eyes. I remember your eyes, your clear, grim eyes that tell a story, a story yet untold.
I remember the day you were drenched in the rain, how the shirt hung to your skin, so tightly that it felt like either your muscles or the clothes would burst. I remember the way you spoke, the way you looked at me and said your name. I remember your smile, and my heart skips, scampers, scurries.
I'm not saying I'm in love with you but I'd like to cook for you on your best days, prepare a feast for you on your birthday. To hold the lid and savor the meal wondering if you'd like it. I'd like to watch you eat something I cooked, to watch your reaction as you take the first bite.
I'm not a great cook, but I'd make you great meals, memorable ones. I'd fill your life with scents and aroma, and recipes that haven't seen any chef. I'd like to be your taster, testing your cakes, teasing your takes. To watch you cook, and tell you that you are doing it just right though I don't even know what I'm saying.
I'm not saying I'm in love with you but I'd like to entertain you on rainy days, knowing that you would have to stay until the rain stops. I'd pray ceaselessly for the rain not to stop. I'd ask if you want something warm, if you'd like to see my latest flowers, and Ginger's new baby, Ginger would be my dog. I'd tell you to come by if you ever get tired of your home, because I would be your home away from home.
Then we would start a movie series I've been so lazy to watch together. We'd watch one episode and the rain would stop and I'd bade you goodbye, but you'd always tell me how you felt after another episode.
I'm not saying I'm in love with you but I think your entire being reminds me that I'm alive. It reminds me that, after all, like every other person, I have emotions, I have desires that want to be satisfied. Thirst that wants to be quenched, fire that doesn't want to be quenched. I'm reminded that I am softly veiled within, that if I'm unwrapped, I'm nothing but a lover girl. An immortal.
I'm not saying I'm in love with you but I want to hear you laugh so loud to my silly jokes. I want to be so soft around you that you could actually feel it in the way I say unnecessary things, in the way I relish in small moments, talk about little things I would never talk about. Giggle, not at your words but at how lost I am, how confidently lost I am in you. At how finished I would never imagine I could be.
I would be imagining a lot of things. I would be making a lot of calculations, drawing a lot of inferences. Everything would make sense, the sky would be so clear, our fingers locking themselves, the petals would fall by our sides as we take long walks down the path of destiny. We would be so sure, so assured that we were doing the right thing, that if the world were to end now then we would have no regrets. It would be rapture, pleasure.
I’m not saying I’m in love with you but I think I’m obsessed with you again. I think I want to see you everyday. I think you’re the best thing that happened to me. I think you have a beautiful nose. I wouldn’t know what a beautiful nose was until I met you, and now, look at me, I imagine how it would feel to have your nose poking mine, you know what I mean. I think your eyes are lucid. I think they smile even when you try to hide the smile on your lips.
I think I want to wake up beside you every morning, a little just before the day breaks, and watch you in that dim light sleeping peacefully next to me. I think I want to see you rubbing your nose as I tickle you gently, gently, just enough to get you to move and open your eyes a bit, I’d be waiting for that smile that would show up once you find me gazing at you.
I do not know how to love something and not be addicted. I don’t know how to love in small quantities. I lost my balance the moment my heart met yours, I lost the balance to measure how much I give to you, how much I let you see.
I’m not saying I’m in love with you but I imagine us on our wedding night. You on the sofa, all smiles about the way you danced better than me. I’d be teasing you back about it. Then, I’d come over, asking you to undo the zip of my dress, waiting to hear you laugh and make a joke out of it, like you always do. I’d say I’ll be back, and then we’d laugh again, like it’s actually funny.
And when I return, you’d be reading the Scriptures, asking me to sit with you as we make one of our first memories as family, then we’d pray, long and hard, with every strength left in us, with so much intensity, thanking God.
Hi!
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