Friday Night.
It’s Friday night. You’re somewhere right now with your girls, enjoying the night, partying. You’re having the fun of your life. But, I’m here, wondering why you didn’t show up at the gym yesterday and the day before. I’m losing my damn mind because I didn’t see the light in your room on when I walked past your house at dawn.
I assumed you hadn't woken up, I assumed you decided to sleep with your lights off, I assumed you slept off in the living room, I assumed you travelled, I assumed you slept over at your friend's place -- your friend who could be a girl or a man.
You probably ate the whole day. I could not get any real thing down my throat. But, I forced myself to eat the chips I found lying around because not knowing your whereabout for two days makes me lose my appetite for food. Makes me lose my appetite for life.
And, who am I? I’m just a guy, a guy who loves you. A guy who freaking loves everything about you without knowing all there is about you.
I wonder if you left our gym already!
I'm losing my mind trying to process your actions and reactions to my actions.
You smile at everyone, yea? But I think you put in effort when you smile at me. I think you liked it whenever I said that every woman should emulate you and try to be fit.
I think you particularly enjoyed using the swimming pool instead of the shower because you knew I'd be there. Because you knew I'd be sitting around somewhere and my eyes would eventually find you shimmering like Barsheba. Because you know that there's something about pools that pulls. Because a woman in a pool can pull any man out of his purity.
I think you purposely act casual whenever I'm around. I think your friends know about me because they actually seem too nice from afar.
I think a lot of things, I think I'm too sensitive, probably because I've loved you from the first time I saw you, I think every ordinary thing you did since then felt extraordinary because I wanted it to be so.
So, I mean it when I say that I’m losing my mind over things that don’t matter to you. Maybe, you’re nice to everyone, maybe you don’t even find me attractive for your taste, maybe you think I’m a nice guy, a consistent guy who takes his routines seriously, maybe you wished that your boyfriend, or the man you actually find attractive would be half as consistent as me.
In retrospect, maybe you think I'm jobless. Maybe you think that I should get a life. I actually have a life. I do have a life, one in which we are the only people alive. You don't understand that since you joined the gym, I've never wanted to miss any. Daily dose of colours, daily dose of adrenaline, daily dose of possibilities.
You're somewhere right now, living your life, chasing your dreams, and meeting the right people. I'm here, stuck on my video game like an hopeless man, playing without my mind in the game. I keep losing focus, wishing tomorrow would come, would you be at the gym or not, would your light be switched on or not.
I keep restarting the game, reckless that my winning percentage is dropping with each start. I'm betting on each game, that if I won, then we were destined for each other. But this is my 13th attempt! It's the thirteenth time I'm taking a bet. I'm frustrated, not because of you, but because of my heart, because of this love.
Because my heart is beating fast, because I don’t freaking know what you are up to, if you’re well, if you’re thinking about seeing me again at the gym, if you actually even know me. If I’m not just losing my mind over someone who’s mind has gained no knowledge of me. I’m angry because I could actually be overly possessive of you right now, because what I’m doing may mean that I’m clingy and feeling entitled to you. I’m hoping that I’m not obsessed while knowing that I can only be delivered from this obsession that plagues me.
Albeit, I forbid myself to restart this game because I’ma switch the video game off!
Love, they say, is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. I know when you show up tomorrow at the gym, one moment, one glance at your angelic countenance would make all of these frustration go away.
But right now, I hate that I desire to be irresistibly desired by you, so I'm switching the game off. I'm no longer taking a bet. In this war, doom won! I'm admitting myself to the hospital to be treated of this sanity-draining disease.
Damn love! I'm never doing this again. I'm never going to open my eyes and allow myself to wallow in it's mud. I'm ever going to stay sane. I'm drawing a finish line, to being finished. It's not enough to say, enough is enough.
Look, it may take time, but I'll forget you! I'll move on. You'd smile a thousand times, and I won't be moved. You'd be with a million men, and it'd merely be fornication to me. I'd never remember you in a few years, I'd never remember that I loved you this much! In my head, you'd only be a memory. In my heart, you'd have no space.
But, I know that when next I see you, these words would be sin. They would be seen as swears and curses. Because, I have made promises that I won't keep. Nonetheless, I'd hold on to this for now, that I'll forget you. I hate to admit that not every part of me thinks that I would, but for now, Ajoke, I'll forget you, though it may take time.
